Minutia

Was race an issue?  Probably.  Was there a Bradley effect?  Probably.  Did he still win?  Hell yeah he did.

2 months.  Here’s for change.

3rd grader: There’s something in your hair.
other 3rd grader: Yeah, on the side.
3rd grader: Kinda white thing.
*me brushing the side of my hair with my hand*
3rd grader: It’s still there, it’s mixed in your hair.
Me: That’s a white hair.  Yes, I have white hairs.
3rd grader: You have white and black hair?
Me: Yes.
3rd grader: Like a cat?
Me: I don’t like you. (in my head)

When asked if a child is a lost cause, normal people not involved with children to much extent tend to answer emotionally and say that no child is a lost cause.  The reality of the situation is probably worse than most people think it could be.  My current assignment is at an elementary school on the edge of town as one of the special education teachers.  When most people hear that, they tend to think of mentally challenged children.  But I explain that in reality, it’s the kids that are either behind or in danger of being left behind.  It’s a horrible cycle, these kids go to school and at some point fall behind.  But they meet the minimum standards that year and get passed on to the next grade.  In this new grade, they get farther behind and eventually shutdown. 

Now here’s the worse part.  The kids I deal with are 1st through 5th graders and the foremost concern their educators have for the older ones at least, is trying to get the ones that need it to be put into “self contained” teaching environments once they hit middle school.  This would mean, they won’t be in the normal classes.  On one hand, that’s great, because maybe they’ll then get the help they need.  And on the other, it does them a great disservice in letting them advance without what they need to know.  This raises a question for me, which is can children no longer be held back?  Have we industrialized education to the point where once they reach the end, they’re just let loose?  What happened to the quality control?  One of the things I find wrong is, when taking them out of their normal classes for their “specialized instruction,” the kids I pull are all different grade levels and so the lesson has to be general enough to be taught to all of them at once.  Which means I only get to help two to three of the eight kids a day.  It makes me sad because there is one girl, a fifth grader, that clearly does not belong with the “special needs” children.  I talked with the regular special ed. teacher and she couldn’t figure out why she was there either.  She’s smart and does really well.  She’s also my favorite because she’s the best behaved.  I have another, third grade.  He’s the lost cause, disruptive, disobedient, generally a  horrible kid.  I understand why here’s here and at the same time realize that I cannot help him.  Keeping him around is actually a disservice to the rest of the kids because he bothers the rest of them.  It may sound cold, but in the interest of the rest of them, I have to toss him aside and basically shut him down.  In my case, putting him in time out for the majority of the time I have him. 

Ultimately, being a temp. inherently means I am absolved of any responsibility pertaining the children’s performance.  But it would be nice if I actually helped one. 

I have until the end of the month.

You know there’s something wrong when in one week, you can equate how you feel to the phases associated with grief.  But apparently, that’s just how it has to be.  The LSAT is on Saturday and beyond being terrified, I seem to have gone through a few of the aforementioned states of mind. 

Denial and Isolation-
I deny that it is going to be difficult or something that will be the single determinant factor as to my ability to get into any law school to begin with.  Yes, I will get in based on my sparkling smile and charming personality.  I also do not know anybody else that is taking this test in this city and as such, my study sessions consist of me and the library for hours on end.

Anger-
Fuck you, law schools for making us take this test.  Sure you may say it is an accurate determinant of how a person actually performs in law school but I call bullshit.  The only thing it’s testing is how well i perform under pressure and poorly at that, considering the questions are designed to trick people.

Bargaining-
My level of religiousness (real word?) varies according to the stresses in my life.  While believing in a higher power, I am not convinced that he/she/it would care about me personally enough to evoke prayer.  I also hate asking for help, tangible or otherwise.  That said, yes, I have been praying.  And I’ll probably pray more before Saturday.

Depression-
…is fierce.  It’s that feeling of “I’m not going to get any better than I am right now before Saturday.”  It’s the doom I’m feeling in the pit of my stomach.  Some butterflies, but mostly doom.  It’s when I feel that I’m at my lowest and to continue to try and study would be pointless.

Acceptance-
I think I’m on the verge of acceptance but not quite there yet.  When it happens, I’m sure it’ll be glorious, the sky will part and all will be right in the world.  My confidence will well up and overflow into my intelligence pool and allow me to do as well as I’d like.

But we’ll see. It’s only Wednesday.

If she wasn’t a smoker, I would be so hung up over her.

 
 I wish she’d stop smoking.

I hate getting haircuts, this is probably why I only go every three or so months.  It’s always the same really, I let my hair grow to the point where when I move my head, the hair scrapes across my neck annoyingly and I decide it’s time to go in for a tune up.  I don’t know if it’s the same for anyone else, but the act itself is something of a struggle.  I personally would like long hair, but just can’t stand that in-between stage where it just isn’t working.  And as a general rule, people with big heads really shouldn’t have short hair.  It makes our heads look even bigger.  In deciding where to get this done, I always try new places.  This is because I rarely like a cut enough to warrant the cutter a second chance.  There’s also the idea that my hair is somehow different from other people and needs to be cut in some special way to ensure my satisfaction.  Still unknown.  I found this new place in what would constitute as Chinatown here and decided to give it a go.  

Upon sitting in the chair the lady asked how I wanted it cut, and I said “short.” In the past when trying out new places I’ve approached it like testing the skill of a painter, offering up my head as the canvas and saying “have at it.”  Several ruined canvases (read attempted mullets) later, I’ve reverted to single word answers and turned the test into an interpretation piece rather than a creative exercise.  After running her hands through my hair and hearing my request, she gave me this sort of disappointed look followed with a comment on how my hair was so nice and yet I still wanted it short.  At that point, I thought about suddenly agreeing with her and walking out.  That’ll show you, I’d think.  But as it was, I made up some excuse about it being too hot to have that much hair. 

Now, I don’t know about anybody else, but watching someone cut my hair is a heartbreaking experience.  I’m screaming in my head “NO! Not that strand!  You bastard!!!!!” secretly thinking the worse of this person whom I’m paying to torture me.  The end result is always the same, my hair styled in some manner that I could never pull off on my own, let alone in the minute that I allot to hair.  A hurried question about how much this costs, a tip too large for lack of singles and a hasty retreat to the safety of my car to mourn my lost pieces.

Stay out of my dreams. 

The last six weeks have been pretty tiring and I don’t anticipate things to slow down too much in the weeks to come.  The day after the Zion trip I started working the World Series of Poker again.  Personally I’m suprised they rehired me for two reasons: 1) I called to see if they were still hiring about 3 days before the Zion trip so I had already missed ALL of the computer training and the Title 31 (replacement of Regulation 6A but basically the same) and was expected to start the work without any of it.  And 2) Last year, during the last day of payouts, I was short $5k.  Granted I knew exactly who I overpaid and they recovered it (by threatening said poor bastard) it was still a huge shortage.  But they rehired me and ironically had me train some of the new people.  It seems that this year they were a lot stricter on the variance allowance for each person.  Although I’m not certain what it was, it was either the summation or a single day short of $1k.  And because of this, people were getting fired left and right.  This left me as well as others with less days off in order to fill in the spots, not that I can complain at getting paid $25/h.  Working there has some side effects such as becoming desensitized to money, trying juggling $10k straps and say you have a healthy respect for money with a straight face afterwards.  The other is a healthy dose of hate for humanity, trying dealing with 2-300 random people with exagerated senses of importance and not hate them.

So that’s over.  Luckly, as it turns out, my LSAT classes start 2 days after my last day of full time work.  Yes, I spent a paycheck on LSAT classes and as it turns out I need them.  The first day was a diagnositc which was basically taking a proctored old exam and getting it scored.  Needless to say, without any preperation or concentration, I suck.  23rd percentile?  Yeah, apparently since school ended, I can’t really concentrate; and several times I read a question and thought to myself “what the hell is this asking me?”  Bad.  So that’s twice a week with lots of homework.

Next week I go back to interview for that Substituting thing again.  I did this before but never started working because that was when I started taking 5-6 classes a semester and figured I wouldn’t have time to do it.  (Which was a good or bad idea depending on how you look at it.)  So I figured I can do the subbing during the morning, then the LSAT classes at night and be completely content with myself until October when I figure out if I’ve been wasting my time or not. 

And that’s what I’ve been up to for the most part. 

 Josh’s camera~

and www.usagisoft.com/panorama.jpg because posting it would just shrink it.